The Fine Line Between Ambition and Delusion: Inside the Mind of a Visionary
Finding the middle ground between capacity and potential.
I failed. It’s plain. As simple as you like. The past month has been a time of extreme self-refinement. I have had the challenge of controlling my reaction to my mistakes and learning to move forward with flexibility. When you see flaws within yourself, it’s normal to eradicate them immediately. However, I want to analyze my thought process and attempt to offer myself some grace.
Wounded. Frustrated. Ashamed. These were the emotions I experienced after being notified of my mistake.
What is crazy is that I could’ve sworn that just a few weeks prior, I was the founder and director of my organization (R.O.G.U.E.), a C.E.O. of a startup. I was a “big boi.” Then reality hit.
I had been cutting corners in my school work. Not putting 100% into my assignments was only hurting me. Being homeschooled requires another level of discipline. Some would say the self-control necessary to start your own business. Ironic, isn’t it?
“Whoever can be trusted with very little can also be trusted with much, and whoever is dishonest with very little will also be dishonest with much.”
- Aramaic Proverb
I am grateful for my mother. Without her, I would still be living in a state of disillusion, thinking I was a great leader when in truth, I didn’t even know how to properly lead myself.
All things considered, I didn’t take her “mothering” well at the moment. I was being a fool and rejecting her wisdom. She was trying to uplift me, telling me that just because I had to pivot my plans for R.O.G.U.E. didn’t mean I couldn’t still have an impact.
In the midst of me declining help, my mother said something that, as my generation would say, “hit different.”
“No woman wants to be with a man she can never encourage enough.”
This discussion suddenly changed from being about my future plans to the type of man and future husband I wanted to be.
It was a long conversation, but in the end, we decided I had to cut back in some areas with R.O.G.U.E. My priority was graduating on time so that I could attend university.
She did offer me the option of lowering my graduation requirements (in homeschool, you can do that) so that I would have the capacity for the podcast, newsletter, and YouTube channel full time. However, the caveat was that I would need a detailed post-graduation plan for getting money. Or, as my mom put it, “You need to pay rent if you’re going to be in my house.” The preposition was daunting. I rejected it because R.O.G.U.E. didn’t fit into my long term career goals.
My long term career goals: majoring in computer science and physics at a university, successfully starting my own business, and changing the world. Then using my excess capital I would create my own venture capital firm to invest in black businesses.
In the words of Johan Cruyff, “Football (soccer for you uncultured Americans) is simple, but it is difficult to play simple.” Rephrasing this quote makes it more applicable to our conversation.
Life is simple, but it is difficult to live simple.
Adjusting my organization’s expectations was one of the most strenuous things I have ever had to do. There was a strong vision of the future in my conscience. The practice of “black and white thinking” wasn’t a solid foundation for making useful pivots. After I was over my irrational resistance to change, I decided two more episodes of the podcast would suffice, meaning everything else (YouTube and newsletter) would end prematurely. Part of the next few months and weeks would be reestablishing the principles that developed my hunger for success.
This experience taught me that ambition is an asset when it is confined to the individual’s capacity. Overestimation of my ability caused me to fail people I had recruited to my team. Informing these individuals of the drawbacks I needed to make was extremely disappointing.
My determination clouded reality. I needed to ensure I was taking the fundamental steps to get to my goals: doing all the questions in my problem set for math, doing my chores every day; the bread and butter tasks were not being completed thoroughly. Moreover, I was always overwhelmed with living up to the expectations I had placed upon myself. There was no space for process.
I am quickly learning that there is a “technique” to efficiently doing life. The process of life resonates with the act of learning a new language.
1: Definition and Inspiration stage — When I hear a new word that has a complex meaning, I often want to study it and use it in my own speech. I will usually grab my dictionary (yes, a physical dictionary) and research the word.
This relates to being exposed to an idea, goal, or ambition. Always “look up” a new avenue before deciding whether or not it fits in your life.
2: Context stage — Using a recently learned word in a sentence requires you to understand the context of the thought trying to be expressed.
A goal has to be weighed; does this new objective overwhelm the current responsibilities you already have, or does it reinforce the path you are already on?
3: Conversation stage — Lastly, using this newfound word in everyday speech requires one to have a deep resemblance with it.
If you want be in a place different from where you are, a lifestyle change is required. One must learn to incorporate a new goal into the daily schedule. But skipping steps (like I did) can pollute the already established process, the primary character-building tasks.
I will leave you with this last thought that has been on my mind as of late.
Life is simply an ongoing conversation with purpose. A conversation that will kill ideas and, other times, build them. The most important thing is to keep talking. Never become silent.
